


Now I'm Covered In The Colors

by Sky_Girls



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Also Riley studies physics, F/F, I don't know what I'm doing tbh, I don't much about the publishing world, Pansexual Riley Matthews, Writer Riley, artist maya, not that it matters, obviously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-16
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-07-24 07:10:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7498908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sky_Girls/pseuds/Sky_Girls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Riley Matthews has written her first book and the only thing she needs to do before it can be published is to find an illustrator that she thinks would do her world justice. Luckily for her that's not as hard as she thought it would be, what it's hard is to deal with that little piece of her past that the whole situation brings back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A flash from the past

**Author's Note:**

> So I just want to say right away that I don't really know what I'm doing with this (I did at some point but then it got out of hand) and that I promise nothing. Also one of the main reasons why I'm publishing this is so I can pressure myself to finish it so again I promise nothing.

Riley is in the middle of watching a documentary about poisons through history for research instead of doing her physics assignment and telling herself that it’s for research and not just plain procrastination when she gets the email.She is really tempted to ignore it, especially when she sees the address; she can’t deal with another rejection right now, her self-esteem wouldn’t be able to take the hit. She spends a few second staring at the notification on her computer screen before she finally decides to just open it, and get over with the pain so she can start with the pity party as soon as possible. Instead she’s screaming at the top her lungs before she even finishes reading the first line.

  
“Josh! Josh! Come here!” Her uncle and roommate appears looking concerned for her well being, or maybe her mental state, she can’t really know at this point. “Sit with me.”

  
Josh walks slowly toward his niece while she jumps up and down in her knees on the couch. “I’m here. I’m here, calm down.” He tells her putting a hand on her arm and sitting down. Riley hands him her laptop with a big goofy smile on her face and soon enough his expression is mirroring her.

  
“Riles, this is great.” She jumps to hug him; just as he put the laptop safely on the floor.

“I know.” Riley squeals. “I’m so excited. I can’t believe it.”

“You deserve it.”

And she does, even though it’s supposed to be a children’s book, she managed to find a way for it be fascinating and awe inspiring even for adults, but that’s probably just Riley Matthews talent to make everything beautiful and magical.

* * *

 

 Riley’s nervous and elated at the same time, a feeling that seems to keep her bouncing in her toes and makes sure she’s thirty minutes early to her very official very adult meeting, two words that will never go with her, because she just doesn’t want them to, not in the usual way at least. She read the edition, and to be honest she loved it, it was thorough but mindful of her word and creativity, and they didn’t change anything major, just a few words here and there, and even if she had a few notes she wanted to discuss with her first to make sure she agreed. She already loved her editor.

She’s been standing in front of the ClandleLight.Inc building for about twenty minutes when a girl, slightly older than her, with black hair and hipster glasses approaches her.

“Riley Matthews?” She asks voice soft and melodic.

“Yes, that’s me.” She answers nodding with her head.

“I’m Elizabeth McConnell.” The girl, who’s tiny, gives her hand shake and then asks. “What are you doing out here?”

“I still have ten minutes before my meeting.” Riley know she’s actually asking about the fact that she is waiting outside of the building instead of the lobby like a normal person, but she doesn’t want to talk about how sitting in front of silent stranger without any goal or purpose makes her anxious so she just ignores it.

“Yes, I know.”Elizabeth tells her smiling. “I’m your editor.”

“Oh! It’s so nice to meet you!”Riley says. “I’m honestly so excited about this.”

“Don’t get scared but I’m really excited too. This would be my first actual job.” She confesses blushing a little.

“It’s okay.” Riley reassures her. “I loved the notes you sent me. I think we will make a great team.”

“Thanks. Why don’t we go inside? We have to start our meeting.”

The meeting goes smoothly, they agree almost on everything and when they don’t they are both willing to listen to the other reasons and compromise. The meeting is ending when the Elizabeth brings out the best idea she had.

“I was thinking, and I talked to a few of my colleagues and they agree, that maybe we should have illustrations in your book. Do you draw?”

“I love the idea. But I can’t draw, not really.” Even though Riley’s purple cats days are over, she mostly draws planets orbits and things she need for one of her many physics class. She is not an artist.

“That might be a small problem, you would be the best to put your word on paper, but I can make a list of illustrators so you can see their work and tell me which one you like best , and we’d make sure they are willing to work closely with you and listen to your opinion on the drawings.” Elizabeth explains. “Are you okay with that?”

“Yes” She answers honestly, she can't wait to see what will come of this.

Elizabeth emails her a list of illustrators that same night completed with some notes and some websites so she can see their art, the girl works fast.

She is promptly ignoring her calculus teacher, something she knows she’ll regret later,especially since Val, her best friend, is currently skipping class for some reason, when she finds a drawing that calls her attention, she quickly opens the artist’s website and finds herself in love with almost all of her drawings. This girl, whose name she already forgot, has an unique style,even if she feels like she’s seen it before, and her drawings go from hauntingly beautiful, things she would never show to someone under sixteen, to magical and full of wonder. Riley spends what's left of her class and the next one going through the girl’s website.

As soon as she gets home she emails Elizabeth telling her who’s the artist she wants and a few hours later she gets an email telling her that she has set up a meeting for that saturday morning eleven o’clock. In two days she’ll meet the person who, she wishes, will be the illustrator of her book. God, she really hopes she wants to, because she feels a connection to this girl’s art and thinks she would do justice to all the amazing, and beloved, things she has in her head.

Friday afternoon she finally remembers where she’s seen those drawing before and she runs home to login on tumblr, as she ever logs out, and goes to one of her OTPs tag on her blog,honestly how amazing can this girl be, and quickly finds the drawing that had her squealing for minutes the first time she saw it.  
It’s four a.m when Riley reaches the end of the art tag on the ‘rebel-heart’ blog and if she wasn’t sure before she most definitely is now. She keeps herself from actually stalking this girl’s blog besides her artwork and forces herself to sleep a little, after all she has a job meeting tomorrow morning, in a few hours actually but those are technicalities.

She wakes up late, with a note sticked to her forehead that says ‘I tried’ in Josh’s messy handwriting.

When Riley arrives to the small café they are holding the meeting in, as per her request, she immediately spots Elizabeth sitting with a blonde, from where Riley is standing she can only spot her long blonde hair, her leather jacket and an oddly familiar army green backpack with a few the beatles and rolling stones patches here and there. As she comes closer to the table she can’t help but notice that there’s something familiar in the way the girl is sitting too. She comes closer, more curious now and the apology on the tip on her tongue dies as soon as she sees the girl's face. It’s been years since the last time she saw her, and even longer since the last time she talked to her but she could recognize those blue eyes anywhere.

“Maya?”

The girl in question looks away from Elizabeth and focuses on Riley.

“Riley!”The smile on Maya’s face tells her that she’s not panicking inside like Riley is, even tough she has absolutely no reason to panic, their friendship didn’t end badly it just faded out, no matter all the thing left unsaid and the many problems they might have had with each other at the end of it, though that last bit might have just been Riley insecurities, it wasn’t an unpleasant experience at all, there’s no reason for the mini panic attack she’s having. Riley takes a deep breath, sits down and pulls herself together as well as she can, which is perfectly, thank you very much.

  
“It’s so nice to see you again!” It’s not a lie, Maya had always been beautiful and she had grown to be even more so, seeing her _is_ nice, even if she feels a weight in her chest every time she as much as looks in her direction. There was a reason why she avoided her those two years and a half of high school.

“You two know each other?” Elizabeth asks, obviously happy with the new development.

“Yes.” Both Riley and Maya answer at the same time.

“We were friends on middle school.” She ignores the subtle hurt that goes through Maya’s eyes, maybe at the trivialization of what their relationship really was, maybe for some other reason.

“Oh, great!” Elizabeth exclaims. “So you two won’t have a problem with working closely together.”

“Not at all.” Riley answers smiling at Maya, who smiles back softly, whatever was wrong before seems forgotten.

They both quickly catch Riley up on what was going on before she arrived. Which was basically Elizabeth explaining a little bit more in depth that in her emails what Riley's story is about and promising to send Maya a copy of the manuscript after the artist agreed to work with them.

The meeting goes smoothly, at least outside of Riley’s head, and they t and agree on keeping in touch to discuss details in the meantime so Maya can have a few drawings of everything for when they decide to meet again. For some reason the word ‘never’ comes to her mind, she decided to ignore it.

“So writer?” Maya asks when they are leaving the café, Elizabeth already lost in the sea of people.

“So artist?” She echoes amused. She knows that it is a surprise for her, would be for anyone that knew her before she was sixteen. She wonders how the blonde would react to the fact that Riley’s majoring in applied physics.

“This is kind of a surprise.”

“Can’t say the same.” She always knew Maya was going to be a great artist and she’s really proud of what she has come to be. As an artist at least, because she has no idea what kind of person Maya Penelope Hart is now, which is kinda sad in retrospective. “Just curios. What did you think I would be doing?”

“I don’t know, bunny farmer, maybe.” Maya answers, half joke half truth.

“It’s not like I didn’t try.” Riley smiles. “But you can’t get a degree on it anywhere, had to settle for physics.”

  
The actually surprised look on Maya’s face is kind of insulting, especially since she was the salutatorian of their class( Both Farkle and Smackle shared the valedictorian title to no one’s surprise).

"Physics?”  
Riley tries to remember the her fourteen year old self wouldn’t believe it either, and that that’s image Maya has of her before answering.

  
“Yes, I’m getting my B.S in Applied Physics. This is my senior year.”

“Wow. That’s great.” Something flickers in Maya’s eyes but she can’t quite place what it is. It makes her feel even more awkward, if that’s possible.

“Yeah.” She agrees. “I kinda have to go.” Riley says, pointing behind her back with her thumb, praying that Maya doesn’t have to go the same way.

“Yeah, me too.” Maya looks in the opposite direction, thank god. “Bye.”

Riley stands there, waving at Maya until the blonde disappears from her sight and then she quickly runs towards the subway.

She arrives home two hours later, hoping that it was enough time for her ignore her little meltdown.

“Hi, babe” Valentina says as soon as she enters the living room but luckily she doesn’t look away from the video game she’s playing with Amir who just mumbles a “sup” and raises a hand, though that last bit was probably just to get his curls out of his face.

A few minutes later Josh arrives with two large pizza boxes. She was planning on not telling anyone about her meeting besides the fact that it went well but something prompts her to do it.

“So...you’ll never believe who’s my illustrator” Riley says trying to be casual while Josh drops two pizzas on their coffee table. It seems that she fails spectacularly because three heads instantly turn in her direction.

“Who?” Her uncle asks trying to be casual and failing just as hard as she did a few seconds ago.

“Maya.” She answers standing up and going to the kitchen to get glasses and something to drink.

“Maya?” Josh asks again, surprised this time. “Maya Hart?”

“Who’s that?” Val stops killing zombies again,obviously curious.

“Yes, that Maya.” Riley says ignoring completely Val’s question.

“Makes sense.” Josh comments trying to figure why she brought it up the way she did.

“Yeah, it does.” Riley agrees.

“Who’s Maya?” Val asks again.

“Yeah,that.” Amir points towards Val. Their brown eyes focused on her.

“She used to be my best friends in primary and middle school.” Riley shrugs.

“And the most important person on her life for just as long.”Josh adds and makes her roll her eyes. “What it’s true?”

“True but irrelevant.” She points her pizza slice at her uncle.

“If it’s irrelevant then why did you mentioned her.” Amir raises an eyebrow.

“I said that the fact the she was the most important person in my life is irrelevant.” Riley defends herself. “Not that she is irrelevant. Besides I just thoughts that Josh might be interested in it, we both knew her.”

Josh looks at her knowing well that that’s not the actual reason she mentioned it but decides to just ignore it.

“And how is she doing?” Val asks.

“I don’t know really.” Rile shrugs. “We didn’t have that much time to catch up.”

“You spent three hours there.” Amir points out. And Valentina nods vehemently her dark hair moving dramatically around her.

“It was work mostly, and she had to leave afterwards.”

“So you guys spent three hours talking about a book.” Val asks suspicious. Now she remembers why she didn’t want to tell anyone about this.

“Yes.” Riley answers.

“Okay.” Her best friend says.

“Okay.” She echoes, for no reason at all while taking a controller so she can kill some zombies.

**_Maya H:_ **  
**_Do u remember jexica? In specific the drawing I made of her out freshman year of hs_ **

It’s late when she gets the message, almost three in the morning and it’s a little bit surreal because she hasn’t seen that name on her phone’s screen in almost ten years and it feels kinda awkward without all of the emojis next to it .

_**Me:** _  
_**Yes…y?** _

  
_**Maya H:** _  
_**I think that Ayleen could be kind of like her but with different clothes and sans the feathers** _

She had never noticed until that moment but, Jexica and Ayleen are very much alike, not only physically.

**_Me:_ **  
_Yeeess!!! But make her more badass_

  
**_Maya H:_ **  
**_Hey! Jexica was a badass_ **

**_Me:_**  
_That’s why I said more_

**_Maya H:_ **  
**_damn, you still need to calm down wit the emojis_ **

**_Me:_ **  
**_Hey! I’ve calmed down_ **

**_Maya H:_ **  
**_Tru_ **

**_Maya H:_ **  
**_So u like the idea of ayleen looking like jexica_ **

**_Me:_ **  
**_Yes, v much_ **

A few seconds pass and Maya doesn’t text back so she puts her phone in her night stand and tells herself that maybe it’s time to go to sleep but her phone buzzes again and gives her an excuse to continue with her very messed up sleep schedule.

_**Maya H:** _  
_**I didn’t have the opportunity to tell you but u’re good** _

_**Me:** _  
_**????** _

_**Maya H:** _  
_**writing** _

Riley reacts to Maya’s compliment the way she reacts to most compliments, her chest feels tight, there’s a lump in her throat and there’s a part of her that wants to tell her that she doesn’t have to lie for her benefit. On top of all of that there’s a little part of her brain that reminds her that it’s not true, that Maya has told her many time how great she is at writing and has left many reviews on most on her fics, even if she doesn’t know it.  
She ignores both of those things and simple answers to the text.

_**Me:** _  
_**thnx** _

She stares at her phone feeling like her answer is not enough and texts her again.

_**Me:** _  
_**I think I’ve told you a few times already but you’re a really great artist** _

_**Maya H:** _  
_**Yes, you have. But never feel bad abt feeding my ego** _

_**Me:** _  
**Never**

_**Maya H:** _  
_**Feel like  u should actually see some more of my art before being so quick to answer** _

And with that Maya sends her a drawing of Ayleen, it’s just a draft, it’s incomplete and has obviously been drawn without much care, just a guideline of what it’s going to be.But there it is, The Protector, the warrior girl who will protect Isa, her main character, no matter what. She’s perfect. She’s actually kind of in love.

_**Maya H:** _  
_**still there?** _

_**Me:** _  
**Yeah, Yeah. Maya this is great!!!**

_**Me:** _  
**Like, amazing. I’m actually kind of in love**

_**Maya H:** _ _**  
_**Now u're being dramatic** _ ** _

_**Me:** _  
_**No, I’m not.I’m like the least dramatic person in the whole universe** _

_**Me:** _  
_**You know? This kinda means that I need Isa’s and Bonnie’s design now** _

_**Maya H:** _  
_**working on it** _

_**Me:** _  
_**Can’t wait** _

Maya doesn’t text back after that, so Riley ignores the million of questions she has, questions about her life, her job, her friends, that have been sitting in the back of her mind since her talk with her friends and goes to sleep.

 

* * *

 

Riley likes to think she’s a person with a lot of self control, much more than what people think she has, so she can’t explain to herself why in the name God she’s sitting on her couch, still in her pajamas, at 1 p.m low key stalking her ex BFF. She’s searching her brain for a reason while she scrolls down Maya’s instagram on her phone and has her facebook open on her laptop.

She’s little by little learning things about Maya and who she is right now. She’s still friends with all of her high school friends and they hang out weekly, except for her of course (That stings a little bit for reasons as unknown as to why she’s doing this). She studied art in NYU (Very much like one Riley’s ex girlfriends and Riley wonders how she never ran into her) She lets herself show that she likes flowers and kids cartoons now (Which is great, honestly). She loves photography even if she is not very good at it ( Riley has to wonder what would Maya say of her not so hidden hobby ). She still sings and has an indie, self made and self released, album that Riley doesn't instantly purchases (she waits until Josh is out of the room).

All in all she has missed a lot on the life of Maya Hart and that’s not new, but for some reason she feels like it is.

“Wanna re watch Parks and Rec while we have lunch?” She closes Maya's facebook and quickly lock her phone.

“I’m sorry. What?” Riley says looking up and finding Josh with two plates of spaghetti. He really needs to start making noise when he walks around the apartment.

“Just asked if you wanna re watch Parks and Rec.” Josh repeats handing her spaghetti and turning the Tv on. “You’re especially jumpy today, niece.”

“No, I’m not.” Riley defends herself. A little too vehemently for it to believable.

“Yeah, right.” He says grinning at her.

“Oh, fuck off and put netflix on.” Riley mutters.

“Is this about Maya?” They’ve been eating in silence, except for the laughs, and the question surprises Riley.

“Why would it be?” She shrugs

“I don’t know.” He admits.” But you’ve been acting weird since yesterday and that’s the only thing that has changed.”

“Nope.” Riley says making a popping sound. “I’m just being my normal weird.”

“You know it’s okay to be a little bit put out by this kind of things.” Josh whispers, and yes she know, her therapist has tell her many times, but she also says Riley has a weird obsession with control, and this situation it’s totally out of her control, maybe that’s why she’s so weird . “Especially how thing ended between the two of you.”

“Things didn't end in any way.” Riley clarifies, and deliberately doesn’t comment on the fact that Josh is making it sound like they used to date. “They just faded.”

“And they faded only with you leaving a shit ton of unsolved issued in there.” Josh tells her intently focusing on the TV screen. “Also the two of you had such a codependent relationship, separation must have been hard.”

“You’re kinda reaching there, buddy.” Riley shakes her head.

“Am I?”

“We just took different paths in life, it happens to a lot of people.”

“If you say so.” Josh shrugs and continues eating. “I just want you to know that you can talk to me.”

Riley softly thanks her uncle, who is also one of her best friends, but Josh just hit a sore spot there.

She remembers how things started to change between her and Maya, she remembers how she spent so many months wondering why her extracurricular activities made it so difficult for Maya to spend time with her best friend but not with anyone else in their group, why every time she tried to reach for her best friend she’d push her away. It’s kind of sad but it also gives her a reason for the weight that has been sitting at the bottom of her stomach since she saw those blue eyes yesterday morning.

Now the only thing she has to figure out os how to stop the stupid voice at the back of her mind whispering that this is the perfect opportunity to find out what happened so many years ago. Maybe, just maybe, following Maya on Instagram is not the best way. And maybe, just maybe, she should remember that her self control never has been so good when it comes to Maya Penelope Hart. Riley sighs softly, she’s so screwed.


	2. Not a problem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maya's is shaking up Riley's life in ways she hadn't predicted but she won't let it be a problem...She won't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kind of a mess but I didn't want to keep you guys waiting for longer so I hope you enjoy it.

She’s at Tim’s, a  bar that she and  her friends go almost every friday,  ordering her fourth (or maybe fifth) drink when the blonde next to her turns somewhat violently in her direction while shouting her name.  

Riley’s always known that sometime when you meet someone, or see them again for a long time, you start  running into them at places you frequent because they do to and you just never noticed because you weren’t aware of their presence before, but now you are. Riley, also, has never hated a phenomenon so much, and that’s saying a lot, she studies physics after all. So yes, seeing Maya on one of her favorites places is not as surprising as it is slightly panic inducing. She smiles, that’s what she does in most situations, her smile just grows when she sees a big group behind Maya simultaneously turning heads at the sound of her name and it comes to the point of hurting when she notices that she can recognize all of them. 

“Hey!” She exclaims, searching her alcohol filled brain for any excuse that would let her get back to her group of friends and coming up with nothing. She considers telling her the truth, that they are celebrating multiple things, like her book being published and the end of the academic year but she’s so excited and drunk that she’ll end up mentioning  that Josh got the job he wanted at the museum and she might want to see him again or something. She ignores the weird feeling she gets at the thought of Maya seeing Josh again. 

“Hey!” Maya echoes, not noticing that her friends are walking in their direction. “Never seen you around here.” 

There’s a slight slur to Maya’s words, but she’s probably more sober than Riley. 

“Never seen you around either.” Riley answers carefully and slowly, trying to hide her drunkenness. “That’s weird, considering that I’m here almost every Friday.”

“Really?” She asks, her eyes widening comically in a way that makes Riley think that she overestimated Maya’s sobriety. 

“Yeah.” She takes a sip of her rum and coke. “My life is a goddamn sitcom.”

The blonde snorts at her unfunny comment and Dave, the bartender, winks at her because he probably thinks that she’s flirting with her, she wonders if that’s what it looks like from outside. She can’t dwell in that realization, luckily, because Maya’s friends finally reach them (The fact that they took so long to get to them when they were merely a few feets away makes her believe that they want this as little she does and that makes her feel a bit better about the whole situation). 

“Hello, Riley.” Smackle is the first one to talk. “It’s been a long time since the last time we saw each other.”

“Yeah,” Riley agrees and takes another sip from her drink, she needs to be even more drunk for this. “ Long time no see.” 

Smackle makes a weird face but doesn't comment on the grammatical inaccuracy of the saying, that brings a real, if small, smile to her face. Riley, also, doesn’t miss the way the brunette looks mostly comfortable in such a social situation. 

“So.” Riley starts, looking at the whole group. “What you’ve been up to?”

“Not as much as you it seems.” Lucas says, a kind smile on his lips. Maybe, she’s just imagining the awkwardness. Maybe she’s the only awkward one, wouldn’t be the first time. “Heard you wrote a book and it’s being published.”

“Yeah, and it’s awesome,” Maya says excitedly before Riley can even open her mouth,“It’s great guys, really.” 

“What’s it about?” Zay asks. 

“I can’t tell you much, for legal reasons, but it’s a children's fantasy book.”

“Makes sense.” There’s something in the way that Farkle says it that makes it seem like a bad thing. She almost believes that she imagined it  but when she looks down to the blonde still at her side she’s frowning. 

Luckily for Farkle Riley’s friends come looking for her, she’s been gone an unusual amount time for just one drink, and after a round of weird hellos, awkward introductions and a few seconds of small talk they drag her away. She has never loved them so much, to be honest.

“So that was Maya?” Amir asks casually. Riley just nods.

“She’s hot.” Val mentions. 

“Yeah, she grew up gorgeous.” Josh comments and her stomach turns for some reason. She blames the alcohol.

“They are all very  attractive.” Amir comments and Val groans, Riley laughs, this is familiar territory. 

“That’s so unfair, people need to stop being prettier than me.”Val complains 

“I feel you.” Riley says. 

“You are very beautiful.” Val tells her seriously, and drunkenly. “Pwetty, pweety Riley,” 

“You are beautiful and pwetty too.” Riley tells her laughing at her choice of words. 

“You guys are so weird.” Amir says downing his beer. 

She’s having a great time, she really is but for some reason she can’t seem to get Maya out of her mind, that’s probably the reason (and the alcohol, she can always blame the rum) why the next time she spots the familiar mane of blonde hair she decides to follow the girl to the bathroom.

“Riles!” Maya exclaims as soon as she sees her, trying to call her attention, as if her presence wasn’t the only reason she’s in the room. “We keep running into each other.” 

“Yeah.” Riley agrees slightly distracted by the way the fluorescent light makes Maya’s hair look like a halo. “What a coincidence.” 

“I’m sorry about Farkle.” Maya’s smile drops. “He’s just… I don’t I don’t have an excuse for him.”

“You don’t have to.” Riley says lightly touching Maya’s arm. “It’s not your fault. Also I’m not entirely sure he did anything wrong”

“Well…”Maya’s nose scrunches in an adorable way. 

They stay silent just standing in the middle of the bathroom for a very long and very awkward second. 

“I have to go,”  Maya tells her. “But we’ll see eachother soon, most characters’ designs are ready and I would love your input ” 

“Sure. Just text me.”

Maya nods and gives her a small lopsided smile and she most definitely does not stare at her lips or imagines how they would feel against her own. She also does not notices the way her hips sway when she walks away and does not stare a second too long at the bare skin of her legs She does not and therefore none of that is the reason for her fifth drink. 

Luckily, Riley is really good at lying at herself so by the end of the night the whole thing is forgotten and if she dreams of pink lips and blonde hair that night, well it could be anyone. 

The fact that she wakes up next morning to a text from Maya and her heart skips a beat does not make things easier, but Riley is determined to ignore the weird fluttery feeling in her stomach. 

 

**_Maya H:_ **

_ wanna meet up for lunch so u can see my drawings? _

**_Me:_ **

_ sure where? _

**_Maya H:_ **

_ u know that small pizza place  like three blocks away from the bar?? _

 

She does, in fact she and her friends go to Sal’s so much that the staff knows their order by heart. She wonders how much their lives actually overlap and if, maybe, they would have ran into each other anyway. Not that that’s important. 

 

**_Me:_ **

_ Yep _

**_Maya H:_ **

_ great meet u there tmrw? at 3? _

 

**_Me:_ **

_ sure _

**_Maya H:_ **

_ great! see u there _

**_Me:_ **

_ c ya _

 

Riley doesn’t bolt towards her closet in search of a cute outfit but she does leans into her pillows with a small and thinking how she should dress the next day. And it means nothing because dressing well has always been important for her, and she does spend a great amount of time figuring out what to wear to everything but classes. So really it’s nothing. It means nothing. 

Three hours later, when she has five different outfits laying on her bed, she gathers the courage to ask herself how bad it would be if it wasn’t nothing. So yes, maybe she has a small crush on Maya, there’s nothing wrong with that. Maya is a beautiful and talented person, that’s not news (the feelings this facts bring now certainly is though) and she’s surrounded by beautiful talented people all the time, so it shouldn’t be a problem. And she’s not new to stupid and doomed crushes. It’s not a problem. She won’t let it be a problem.

After that she makes a conscious effort to make the least amount of effort in preparation for the meeting, in fact she spends the rest of the day watching netflix and avoiding going into her room. She can be normal about this. 

The next day she arrives to the pizza place before Maya does but that doesn’t means she is nervous (or eager) she is just a responsible person. 

She sits in her usual booth and takes out her phone, a few minutes later she is too engrossed scrolling down Maya’s tumblr to notice that Maya has arrived. See? She doesn't have a problem and she won't have one (Her confidence falters a little the moment she sees the blonde smile across the table but is not much, she can still do this). 

“Hey!” Riley smiles big and bright, just like she’d do with anyone else.

“Hi!” Maya’s smile grows bigger.

They stay like that staring and smiling at each other for a few seconds until someone clears their throat from above them. 

“Good afternoon, ladies!” Clary, a small redhead,  greets them cheerfully. “What can I get you two?”

“I just wan my usual, Clary, thank you.” Riley tells her.

“Okay!” She looks towards Maya. “And you?”

“I want a neapolitan pizza for one and coke, please.” 

Clary leaves smiling at them and when Maya looks down to take something out her backpack Riley can see the redhead giving her the thumb up with a huge smile. She chokes on her spit.

“Are you okay?” May asks, concerned. 

“Yeah, yeah.”  Riley reassures her, still coughing a little. “What are those?”

“These.” She says sliding the papers towards her. “Are the characters design.”

Riley jumps a little on her seat and takes one of  them, carefully. 

“This is great, really.” She leaves it back on the table and examines it. “ I have some pointers, though.” 

“Shoot.” Maya smiles with a notebook and a pencil already out. 

By the end of their meeting (When she’s left standing outside the pizza place watching her leave) she’s ready to admit she has a problem, so she calls her bestfriend.

 

“Help me.”She says as a way of greeting. 

“What?” Val asks confused, her voice suggests she had been sleeping until that moment . 

“I have a crush on my illustrator.”  She admits. 

“The cute blonde?” Val asks still half asleep. “Why is that a problem?” 

“Why wouldn’t it be?” 

“She was totally checking you out the other night.”

“What? In the bar? Nah, she wasn’t.” 

“Babe, she was.” Valentina says in that voice of her when she thinks she’s talking about something obvious. “She was eye fucking you so hard I felt like I was watching a porno.”

“That’s inaccurate.” She says  opening the door to her apartment. “Maya was not eye fucking me.” 

“Yeah, she was.” A totally different, very male voice says from her living room.She gasps 

“See, Josh agrees with me.” 

“That means nothing.” Riley tells her friend.

“Why are we talking about Maya eye fucking you?”Josh asks curious.

“She has a crush on her!” Val shouts, destroying her eardrum for good, probably. 

“Uhh,why don’t you ask her out?” Josh asks her. 

“That.” Val seconds.

“I can’t just ask her out.” Riley shrugs.

“Yes you can.” Val says at the same time Josh asks:

“Why not?” 

“Ugh, I can do this right now. You guys are giving me a headache...Bye Val.” She says hanging up.

“But really.” Josh starts. “Why not?” 

“I really don’t want to talk about this.”

Josh just nods and she decides that spending the rest of the day in her room is a great plan. She really should have know better.

“But, really. Why is this a problem?” Are the first words out of Valentina’s mouth after she drags her out her room and into the living room, where both Josh and Amir are sitting on the couch waiting for them apparently, twenty minutes after the end of the phone call. 

“Because it is.”Riley answers sitting down.

“Riles.” Amir scolds her and she frowns at him.

“What?” 

“That’s not an answer.” Amir tells her.

“Well, I don’t have one.” 

“But why?” Val asks again looking down at her, . “She is a cute girl who is obviously interested in you.” 

“And you already know you two guys get along well.”  Josh chimes in. 

“She is not obviously interested in me.” Riley mutters.

“Riles…”Val says somewhat annoyed with her hand in her hips. “Why is this a problem?”

“I don’t know.” She answers standing up so she is at the same eye level that her best friend. 

“Riley.” Val insists.”Why?”

“Because the last time she left me behind without a second thought or explanation.” She says when she has finally had enough, and starts pacing. “How can I trust her now?” 

“Babe.” Val stops her putting a hand on her shoulder. “ You are not kids anymore, people change, give her a chance.” 

“What if she does it again?” Riley asks, and she hates the way her voice cracks.

“What if she doesn’t?” Val whispers.

“How can I know that?”

“Maybe.” Amir starts. “You should ask her why she did it the last time. Maybe that could help.”

“Maybe.” Riley agrees


	3. Reality vs Perception of reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Riley gets answers, maybe not the exactly the ones she wanted but close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here me out I'm awful and I've got no excuses, I've just been really busy lately and life sucks.Also this is not long enough to justify the time I took to update but it's here and that's what matters.

She has a plan...or part of  a plan...She actually has a vague idea about how she is going to deal with this Maya thing. She invited her over for a meeting and now she is sitting crossed legged in the floor of her living room and Riley is supposed to be subtle and ease into the topic of their past friendship.

In retrospective she couldn’t know she’d be wearing such short shorts (Not that it’s a problem) or that the light would coming from her windows would make a halo around her as if Maya Hart were some kind of divinity. Somewhere in the back of her mind she remembers years ago when the same blonde told her that at 5:30 she turned gold.

“You turned gold.” And it seems that’s what her brain thinks she should say. The thing does not work much, does it?

“What?“ She asks and a pretty shade of pink fills her cheeks softly.

“Sorry it’s just that the light it’s coming through the window and you look really pretty and I remembered when you told me that.” She blurts out, her mental filter apparently useless. She hates her mouth.

“Oh…” Maya says blinking and she can't help but appreciate how beautiful the blue of her eyes is. “ Thank you.”

“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” She apologizes honestly.

“It’s okay.” She says and then clears her throat. “So… We were talking about the important place, like...the house, the forest, the clearing and the cottage.”

“Oh, yes, the house.” Riley says remembering that they were, in fact, in a work meeting. “ I have a clear idea for it, and for the woods and clearing too .”

“So tell me.” May says with a smile and leaning closer to her, her elbow on the small table between them and her hand supporting her chin. She’s been doing that all afternoon, and it does not make it easier to think. Luckily this time she has an excuse to get away from her.

Riley runs to her room, quickly goes to her desk and takes two of the pictures she has in her drawer.

She returns a little nervous, and this time it’s not _just_ about Maya, she always gets nervous when she shows people her things.

“Umm...so this is it.” She says handing the pictures to her. “I mean I’m open to changes and stuff but that’s the vibe I’m going for.”

Maya examines them, taking everything in and the anxiousness in her chest becomes uncomfortable, she really needs to work on this if she’s going to become a published writer.

“These are great.“ Maya says and a warm feeling settles into Riley’s chest. “Who took them?”

She tries not to blush, she fails.

“I did.” She looks to the floor so she can’t see Maya’s reaction.

“Since when are you interested in photography?” She asks surprised.

“I don’t know.” She says honestly, because she can’t remember the exact moment she realized her picture where pretty and that she should try doing it on purpose. “Somewhere in high school.”

“Ahh…” There’s something in the way that she says it that brings back the heaviness she felt the first time she saw her again.

They go back to working in the drawings (Or more like Maya goes back to working and Riley tells her what to do) but she can’t stop thinking about the question she meant to ask from the beginning. She doesn’t think is such a great idea anymore, but she can’t get it out of her mind.

“Okay, shoot.” Maya says after a while, leaving her pen and notebook on the table. Riley looks at her confused. “You’ve been meaning to tell me something since I got here, I can feel it and it’s bothering me.”

“Sorry.” Riley bites her lip, and she probably imagines the way Maya’s eyes dart to them and stare for a second.

“It’s okay.” She says softly. “Just tell me what it is.”

This is it, her chance to be a grown up and face things, her chance to be mature and not avoid awkward situations.

“Why did Farkle treat me like that the other day?” She is not having a good day, give her a break.

“Oh, that.” She looks away uncomfortable. “I thought you didn't care.”

“I don’t.“ She really doesn’t, she’s way past caring what everyone thinks of her, that was just too exhausting. “I’m just curious.”

“Well…” She starts looking everywhere but Riley. “ He is still kinda mad, you know.”

“Why?” Now she really is curious, and confused.

“Because he thinks you abandoned us.” Maya’s eyes find Riley’s but she quickly looks away.

“What?” She asks indignant. “ Why would he think that?”  
“Because you kinda did.” There’s a harshness to Maya’s tone that wasn’t there before and that makes Riley go into defense mode.

“I’m sorry.” She says with a polite, cold tone, that seems to surprise Maya. “But I’m pretty sure it was the other way around.”

“Yeah, right. “ May says with poison in her voice.  “Cause we were the ones who stopped calling and having time for you.”

“Yes, you were.” She is trying really hard to keep her tone cool and collected, but she want to scream, because she remembers very clearly the pain she felt as a teenager every time the people who were supposed to be her best friends turned her down in favor of other people, she remembers quickly becoming no one’s priority and being left alone because she was weird and a teacher’s daughter, she remembers sitting alone on lunch. She remembers it too well to not know what happened. “You were the ones who started ignoring me and blowing me off, you were the ones who stop spending time with me, you were the ones who always had something better to do than hang up with me-”

“Well, you never had time when we did.” She says defensive.

“I’m sorry I started to have my own life instead of just sitting around waiting for you guys.”

“You could have made an effort.” Maya says, and Riley laughs humorlessly.

“ **You** could have made an effort.” She tells her. “I made one and you guys didn’t even think about me until I left, I just got tired of waiting around and being no one’s first choice.”

“You were always my first choice.” Maya mutters, clearly trying to control her temper.

“I wasn’t, there was always that was more important that spending time with aimless little Riley .” She shoots, and the breaths, this is going nowhere, and makes no sense at all. “And there’s nothing wrong with that, you had every right to pursue your talents and grow on you own.”

Maya says nothing.

“This is going nowhere.” Riley sighs. “ I think we need to calm down, you better go.”

“Yeah.” The blonde says standing up awkwardly and gathering her things, she takes Riley’s pictures. “ Umm I think I’ll take these...if that’s okay.”

“Of course.”

 “And Riley.” Maya is almost out the door when she calls and her heart skips a bit thinking about what she might say. “They are really beautiful.”

Riley lets herself fall, face down, on her couch, the stress of the conversation finally catching up to her. She screams into one of the pillows. She wants to cry, but she won’t let herself do it, through her life, too many of her tears have been because of that small blonde.

 That’s how Josh finds her, an hour later, when he get home.

“Are you okay?” He asks not knowing if he should be concerned or not. She could be writing.

“ People are assholes.” So concern time.

“What happened?” He asks sitting next to her head and softly patting it.

“She thinks I was the one who left.” She answers only confusing him more. “They all do.”

“What?”

“Maya.” She says lifting her head letting him see the tears pooled in her eyes. “She says I’m the one who left them, not the other way around.”

Josh has always been calm, he’s always been the kind of person who rather stay in the corner and face problems with a cool head, but there’s a bunch of people that he would love to give  a piece of his mind right now, screw being calm.

It’s been almost ten years but he still can remember how often a fourteen year old Riley called him or dropped by his dorm crying because she was feeling lonely and worthless. He remembers how she had no actual friends, for so long, how she even after she joined the cheer squad and a few STEM clubs she still felt like she didn’t fit anywhere, he remember her not knowing who she really was because she had spent so much time being some for her friends instead of herself, he remembers the panic attacks, he remembers it all. Maybe he is biased here but he can’t imagine Riley putting herself through that kind of pain willingly, he can’t imagine her ever leaving people she considered her friends unless she had hit a breaking point.

“Why do they think that?” He asks, calming himself down. Riley needs him.

“I don’t know.” She sighs. “Apparently deciding you have to stop waiting around for people and do things for yourself is a crime around here.”

“You did what you had to do.” He comforts her.

“Yeah.” She says sitting up with a look of determination on her eyes. “ I did what I had to do to take care of myself, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Exactly.” He agrees.

“Besides it’s been a long time, it doesn’t matter anymore.”

“It’s okay if it does.” He lets her know softly, and tugging her closer to him so he can hug her.

“I know.” She says. “ But really it doesn’t matter now, we are not kids anymore, and sometime you just gotta let things in the past. I mean I still wanna know what happened but it’s not that important.”

“ Are you still thinking about asking her out?” He asks, curious.

“I don’t know.” She answers looking up to him. “I don’t think so, but I feel like I need to know so I can close that chapter of my life and finally move on...for real this time. ”

“ Yeah that’s a good idea.” He tells her. “You need to be done with your sulking, it’s getting tiring.”

She extracts herself of his arms and looks at him indignantly with her hand on her hips.

“I’m sorry.”She says with laughter on her voice. “I never get tiring, I’m awesome, you should be glad you get to spend time with me.”

“The queen of humbleness.” He mocks her.

“Listen here.” Riley sits on her knees pointing her index finger at him. “ I’m the most humble person I know.”

“Isn’t that from a movie?” He asks with a hand on his chin.

“I think it was from a song.” Riley shrugs. “ I don’t know but I’m definitely referencing something.” He laughs and turns the TV on. Riley is obviously feeling better now.

He looks at her from the corner of his eye, she looks a little bit down but she is tough, tougher than anyone would believe, she can handle this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always I'm gonna do shameless self promotion an say that you can always find me on: sky-girls.tumblr.com


	4. We can finally move on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Riley and Maya have a much needed talk and some things become clear while some just become more confusing but in the end this is exactly what they need to fin their closure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At this point probably no one cares about this but it doesn't matter, I did it, I finished it (And id someone still does vare I'm so so very sorry,like incredibly sorry)

The last thing Riley is waiting to find at her door at ten a.m on a sunday morning is Maya Hart, but there she is, looking at her with a nervous smile. Or more like avoiding looking at her in the eyes with a nervous smile.

“We need to talk.” Maya says. It has been two weeks since their last actual, real life ,talk and more importantly three days since Maya texted her to ask her if she agrees with her that everything is finished and she can send all of the drawings to the editorial. There’s nothing they have to talk about. 

“Do we?” Riley asks confused, and not only because she is barely waking up. 

“You know we do.” Maya looks at her pointedly and something in Riley’s stomach turns.

“I need coffee if we are doing this.” Riley says letting her in. “Do you want one?” 

“If it’s okay.” Maya tells her sitting in the couch. 

“Okay.” Riley says when she comes back with a tray with two cups of coffee, sugar,sweetener and milk, because not only she does not remember how Maya use to drink her coffee it’s also very likely she has

changed it up a little in the last ten years. “Talk.” Riley says sitting on the couch once she is back.

“So how's school doing?” Maya asks looking down playing with a loose thread on her couch. Something inside Riley wants to hold her face and force her to look at her.

“Does  this have anything to do with what you wanted to talk about or are you just stalling?” Riley questions her calmly.

“A little bit of both.”Maya shrugs.

“I'm actually done with it, graduation was two days ago.”Riley lets her know, still not sure what Maya is trying to accomplish.

“Congrats.”Maya says. “How'd you do?”

“Well enough.” Riley says proudly. “I actually got valedictorian.”

“That's more than well enough.” Maya comments with a soft smile and Riley smiles at her nodding excitedly. “So what are you planning to do now?”

“Grad school.”Riley shrugs. “Maybe get a job in one of the university's experiments or as a TA if I can, I don't know.”

“You'll stay here?” Maya asks and Riley looks at her confused as to why she would care. 

“Yes,I'm an NY girl, I can't imagine living somewhere else.”Riley shrugs. “But I don't get why you wanted to talk about this.”

“You were right.” May says with her eyes closed. And the anger at the fact that she is still not looking at her is overpowered by the confusion her words bring her.

“I'm sorry.” Riley starts confused. “ But what are you talking about about?”

This makes Maya finally look at her with a raised eyebrow. She sighs mildly annoyed when she notices that she is actually confused and not trying to make her confess something. But in Riley's defense if she wanted to have a serious conversation she shouldn't  have come on a sunday morning.

“You were right, I was the one who left,” Maya admits. “And I’m sorry.” 

Riley looks at her taken aback. Even if at some point she wished for it she never thought that Maya would admit to leaving, it just didn't make sense in her mind, not with her story, not when she was always so determined to be the kind of person who stays. 

“It’s okay,” Riley brings herself to say. “No matter how much we don’t like it, people are not forever.” 

“But I thought we were.” Maya says looking directly into her eyes, and Riley’s breath catches. “I wanted us to be.” 

“You can’t always get what you want.” Riley whispers and Maya laughs humorless, she has always been the first person to know. “Besides, it might have been the best for both of us.” 

“How could it have been for the best?” Maya looks hurt and offended, and if she were the same Riley she had been when she was around she would have hurried to make it better, to take it back. But she is not. 

“We needed to grow without the other,”Riley explained. “I think it was the only way we could actually do it.”

“You helped me grow.” Maya refutes.

“And so did you.” Riley agrees. “But we reached a point where we both wouldn’t let the other what we needed to be the best version of ourselves.” 

“I always thought that we were the best version of ourselves with the other,” Maya says in a small voice. 

“So did I.” Riley shrugs with a little sigh. “But in the end we were rileyandmaya, like that, in one breath, we needed to pull away, to be Riley, to be Maya, find ourselves and I don’t think we could have done that together.We were wrong to think we could always be together.”

“What if we weren’t?” Maya asks with a voice that makes something flip inside Riley’s stomach. “And maybe we were meant to be forever?” 

“No one is meant to be forever.” She says softly. “People leave, people always leave.” 

“I thought that was my line.” Maya says with a bitter smile. 

“It doesn’t have to be a bad thing.” The brunette shrugs. “Just because people are not forever doesn’t mean that the moments we had with them weren’t important, it doesn’t mean that what we had with them wasn’t beautiful.” 

“And it really was.” Maya whispers and Riley looks at her with a frown. “Beautiful I mean.” 

“Yeah it was.” Riley mumbles, melancholy attacking her chest, latching to it, spreading around and making it hard to breath. She has never been able to think back to it without this feeling. Never been able to think of them, without feeling like she is about to have a panic attack. Never been able to think of Maya and not feel every inch of skin aching for her. And she is so close, she could touch her, hug her, she could even lean in and kiss her if she wanted to. She ignores the impulse. 

“Maybe it could be again. “Maya whispers, she leans in closer and Riley tells herself to lean away.She does not hear herself. 

“Thing can never go back to what they used to be.” She can feel how the tension fills the place, the electricity buzzing between them and she wants to run away almost as much as she wants Maya to close the distance between them. This is a bad idea, all alarms are going off inside her brain, in the end the only possible outcome when it comes to Maya Hart is that she ends up hurt again but she wants to believe so much that things can go differently. 

“They can be better.” Maya tells her and Riley licks her lips. Apparently that wakes up something inside Maya because she doesn’t let her answer, he just crashes her lips against her almost violently. 

Riley is not necessarily proud to say she answers the kiss immediately, one her hands going to Maya’s neck, tangling her fingers between her hair and pulling her closer. She has been hungry for Maya for what feels like ages, she knows her feelings for her weren’t exactly just friendship when she was a kid but they were nothing like this either, her lips moving against her lights her up completely, the way her small hand rest on her waist under her shirt  burns her skin, making her want to feel the exact same way everywhere, she wants her closer, as close as possible. So close she can ver run away. Again. 

Riley pulls away, too sudden, too rough, Maya looks at her confused and she needs to stand up, she needs to get some place she can’t smell her perfume, some place where her presence is not intoxicating her. She walks away from the couch. 

“I can’t do this.” She says with a whisper and Maya sighs, she doesn’t seem annoyed, she doesn’t even look that sad. She actually looks like she understands what she is doing, why she is doing it.

“Okay.” She whispers. “I will go, but there’s something I need to tell you first, completely in the selfish expectation that it will somehow change your feelings for me, that it will erase our past.” 

She wants to stop her but at the same time she wants to hear it, she wants to forget everything with the words that are about to come out of her mouth, she wants them to give her the courage to leave the hurt behind, the reassurance to let herself melt completely into Maya Hart once again. 

“You were right, I left you behind.” She starts. “And I was the first one to do it, I was the first one to start avoiding you, to come up with excuses to not see you, to downright ignore you sometimes, because there was something inside me whenever you were around that I didn’t want to face, I always thought that it was because you gave me hope, but then something shifted, just slightly, but it turned my world upside down, out of the nowhere you weren’t the were I would do anything for because I loved, you turned to the girl I would do anything for because I was in love with her and you have no idea how much that terrified me. Just one little word, just one little feeling changed everything between us and I couldn’t face it, I thought you would find out somehow and you would just let me down softly but I couldn’t bare to think of that, to think of you growing up and finding someone for you who wasn’t me, I couldn’t bare the thought of having to see someone else kiss you, someone else love you, I couldn’t bare the fact that at some point there would be someone who would be more important than me in your life. So I just pulled away, I cut you off because pretending this didn’t exist, pretending that everything was said and done was so much easier than facing everything else.And I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, but I was a kid, a kid who lived in constant fear of not being loved enough,I just want you to know that I’m not a kid anymore and I’m not longer afraid.” 

She walks to the door, every one of her words is resonating inside her brain, repeating themselves over and over, making her heart beat loudly, making her blood run faster. They are spinning in her mind and she is struggling to find them all, to connect the, to find any meaning in them. Maya turns around.

“You have my number.” She says and with that she leaves the house.

Riley lets herself fall to the floor, sitting on it. This makes no sense, this makes absolutely no sense Maya couldn’t have been in love with her. She liked Lucas back then, she liked him enough to let him interfere with their friendship to some degree, she wasn’t in love with her, but if she was she can understand her reaction. Riley sighs no matter how understandable she still pushed her away, she still left her behind, small, sad and broken, knowing full well that she had no idea how to live without her, she didn’t care about it, she didn’t care about her, she only cared about her own feelings, about her own fears and that’s not what you do when you love someone. She says she has changed, that she is not afraid anymore but she doesn’t know how to believe her, she hurt her so much and now, now she comes back into her life, making a mess out of it and just expecting that she will forgive her, just for the amount of time that has passed, just for the years that have gone by. She hears an ugly, high pitched sound fill the room. Just then she realizes that she is sobbing, she hugs herself with one arm and wipes the tears away with the other, she shouldn’t be crying about this. 

She takes few deep breaths, every time she tries she feel like she is drowning, every little bit of air that goes inside her lungs wanting to leave immediately in a sob, she doesn’t let it and after some time passes she manages to calm herself down. 

She stands up and walks to Josh’s room, he is probably still asleep but she needs to cuddle with her uncle. She knocks on the door softly before she opens the door, she finds him still laying on bed, blinking  rapidly, trying to regain consciousness, her, probably, tear stained face does the trick and he wakes up completely, sitting up the the bed.

“What happened?” He asks and she runs to his arms like a little girl, he hugs her instantly, after her parents, he is the person she feels most safe with, he has always taken care of her. 

“Maya kissed me.” She whispers. “Maya was just here and she kissed me and she said that she wants to try something.” 

“Why is that bad?” He asks softly. “Why are you crying.” 

“Because no matter how much I want to, I don’t know how to trust in her again.” She admits. “I’m so scared and what she said only scared me more.” 

“What did she say?” He asks softly, his hand drawing circles on her back.

“She said that she was in love with me, that’s why she pulled away.” She mumbles and Josh sighs. “But that she is not scared anymore.”

“That makes sense.” Josh says slowly. “In some backwards, weird Maya way.” 

“You don’t hurt the people you love on purpose.” Riley sighs. “I get that she was scared but the only thing that did was make me scared.” 

“You can do the same she did.”Josh says. “Not to get back at her but if you really think that’s the best for you.” 

Riley stays silent, she doesn’t know what’s the best for her, she knows nothing now. 

“But if she is not scared anymore.” Josh asks. “Why are you?” 

Riley sits straight, she has no idea. If Maya is willing to do this, if she is willing to actually try all that could go wrong are just the things that could go wrong with everyone else. But with Maya they would hurt a thousand times more.

“I don’t trust her anymore.” She whispers, what a weird concept it is, not trusting Maya, not trusting the girl who was her other half for so long. “I don’t know her anymore.” 

“Okay.” Josh nods, looking at her intently. “But that doesn’t mean you will never trust her again, that you can’t learn to know her again.” 

“It has been so long.” She sighs. “She has changed so much.” 

“And so have you.” Josh fires back. “A part of you wants this, you wouldn’t be here crying and asking for advice if you didn’t you just have to take a leap of faith.”

“I did not ask you for advice.” She whispers. “You gave it on your own.” 

Josh looks at her serious and Riley smiles sheepishly at him. 

“Riley, you are the most full of faith person I’ve ever known.” He says. “Don’t let anything take that away, you can do this, you can see where it goes and if it ends up being a mistake you can cry a little, eat some ice cream and then go back to living life like every moment it’s the most beautiful experience any of us could have, you are Riley after all, you never give up.” 

“But what if I don’t want to do this?” She asks unsurely. 

“Then you don’t do it, you move on from this, find your closure and keep up being one of the best people who has ever stepped on earth.” Riley giggles at his words. “But you want, you really do, don’t lie to yourself.” 

She sighs, throwing herself back into the bed. 

“And whatever happens, you always have me.” He finishes, holding her hand and giving it a squeeze, she does. And she has Val and Amir and her parents and Auggie. She has never been alone in life but it’s so hard to remember that the people that she loves love her back and are willing to be there for her through the hardest times, that she won’t be a burden to them with her feelings. 

Riley nods, hugging Josh again, she has no idea what she will do but it’s always reassuring to know that if she ever comes to need it, she will have a place to crash and fall into.

* * *

 

Not only does she have Maya’s number but she also has May’s direction. She doesn’t feel like this is something they should talk about on the phone, this is a face to face kind of thing, the kind of conversation where they need to gauge each other’s reactions,where they need to look at each other in the eye and see everything they are feeling. 

She knocks softly, she has a ring bell but Maya hates the sound of them so she ignores it and waits, she is about to leave when she opens the door, her hands are stained in paint of multiple colors, her hair is is tied up in a bun with a pencil and the strands that fall on her face have the tips stained with paint too. She looks at her surprised but with a small smile on her face, she is excited to see her. 

“Can I come in?” She asks in a small voice, she is actually so nervous about this. 

“Of course, of course.” Maya says taking a step to the side. 

She walks in, her mind taking in every little detail, the apartment is actually an studio, big windows that let the light pour into every little corner that’s filled with canvases, with paint, with drawings, there’s a small recording studio in one of the corners, at her left there's a hallway that goes to what looks like a bedroom. This place is so Maya it hurts, this is actually the kind of place she imagined they would end up together at, the kind of place where she imagined they would leave while in college, she would have kept it more tidy but this is it. She takes a deep breath. 

"So..." Maya prompts her and Riley turns to her, she would say that she had forgotten she was there but forgetting about her is impossible. 

"So..." Riley echoes and May just stays silent looking at her, waiting for her to gather the courage to say what's on her mind. "Do you really want to do this?" 

"Yes." She doesn't hesitate, she answers immediately. 

"Why?" She asks. "We barely know each other." 

"I know you better than I know anyone Riley." She says taking a step closer to her. 

"I've changed." She whispers. 

"So have I." Maya shrugs. "But in the end we are still Riley and Maya, deep down I know you completely, there are a lot of things that I have to learn, a lot of things I have to relearn, but I can't imagine that you changed in what truly matters." 

"What if you don't like what you learn." Riley sighs. "What if yo don't like this new me." 

"So far I'm liking her very much." Maya tells her with soft smile that makes Riley's heart miss a beat. "Are you liking the new me?" 

Riley nods. 

"Then what's the problem?" Maya asks softly, she is so close now, too close to focus.

"I don't trust you enough." She mumbles and Maya frowns. 

"I guess I can't blame you for that." She sighs. "What can I do to change that?" 

"I have no idea." She whispers, her voice breaking a little. 

"Will you let me try at least?" Maya asks hopeful, something shining in her blue eyes, making then even more beautiful. She sighs, she has totally given up to this, she wants Maya, she does so much it hurts. She rests her forehead in Maya's, who swallows hard. 

"Yes, I will." Riley says, their lips are so close, they ar basically brushing when she talks. 

"How do I start?" Maya asks, their lips are actually brushing now, she feels like she is about to explode. And her voice, her voice is no low and quiet, she is sure she feels the same. 

"You have to figure out that one." She tells hers, taking her hand to her cheek. 

"I have no idea what I have to do." Maya admits. "But I know what I want to do." 

"You can try doing that." Riley mumbles. 

"And then?" She asks, her hand has gone to her neck, playing softly with some strands of her loose hair.

"And then we see what happens next." 

With that she kisses her, it's a very different kiss from the last one, it starts hesitant, like they are both afraid that if they make the wrong move they will scare each other away, it's so soft, so slow, so sweet, so tender and yet her heart is trying to get out of her rib cage and her hands are shaking with emotion.

She can't say she is not afraid anymore, because she is, she is terrified but for moments like this she thinks it's more than worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> As always I hope that you guys enjoyed it and you can still find me on sky-girls.tumblr.com


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